I feel guilty. I feel ashamed. I feel like I'm casting aside my family to go on this internship this summer. I feel like while everyone is in the midst of fear and sorrow, I am full of joy to be going to the Dominican Republic. I too am upset about the state my grandfather is in. I want to be here to love him, hug him, support him, and do all those things for the rest of my family. Should I feel bad about leaving them? The thought has crossed my mind to just say 'forget it, I'll go next summer.' I've thought, what if this is God telling me not to go? But then, why would He provide all the funds in the perfect timing that He has if He didn't want me to use them? I want to go. I want to serve God in the Dominican Republic. But it is hard for me to imagine doing all that while people are suffering.
And then it hit me: people will always suffer. Someone in my family will always be hurting. Maybe not as severe as this, but there will always be sadness to leave behind. And that is the reason I am going. There are people all over the world dying who don't know Christ. There are people suffering in vain because what they stood for, in the end, couldn't stand for them. I am on a mission to reach these people. Death is exactly why I am commanded to go. I am commanded to reach these people and make them into disciples of Christ.
It's still unsettling at times to think that I'm leaving everyone when I am. It's sad. But I have a purpose and when we start to get lukewarm, God will use dire circumstances to give us that fire again. I'm saddened by the condition of my grandfather. But I'm encouraged because I feel renewed in my purpose to defeat death through Jesus.
"And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away."
Revelation 21:4
Monday, April 16, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Leadership Lesson From Nehemiah #1: Have a Goal.
I want to be a good leader. I want to be an example to others, portray Christ, and build up the people I work with. We are first and foremost called to love others. That's it. Why is it so difficult to do? Christ gave us one goal. One. Everything flows from love, whether it's a good or bad thing. Good things flow from out love for Christ and others. Bad things tend to happen because we are loving ourselves more than Christ and others.
This is something I really struggle with. I'm a blunt person. Even if I mean something with love, it doesn't show. And that is a problem. When working on a team and being a leader of that team it is my job to get things done, but do so in an encouraging way. Christ didn't lead by beating his disciples with fishing nets. He lead with his lifestyle and how He interacted with others. Christ genuinely loved others. That was His goal.
Leading is done by serving. You cannot lead until you learn to follow. You also cannot forget how to follow once you start leading. It's very easy to get prideful and decide that you know how to lead better than anyone else. Even if you are a leader, or in charge of something, it's important to remember that you are still a follower. A follower of Christ.
Love is the goal. We need to love Christ, others, and then ourselves. When leading a team of any kind whether it's sports, worship, small group, or in a job; leadership is done by example and encouragement. Learn to love those you work with and the rest will follow. Love, not just because you're commanded, but because Christ loves you. What right do you have to not love others?
I suppose leadership at one time meant muscles; but today it means getting along with people.
-Gandhi
But among you it will be different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant
-Matthew 20:26
Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God
-1 John 4:7
This is something I really struggle with. I'm a blunt person. Even if I mean something with love, it doesn't show. And that is a problem. When working on a team and being a leader of that team it is my job to get things done, but do so in an encouraging way. Christ didn't lead by beating his disciples with fishing nets. He lead with his lifestyle and how He interacted with others. Christ genuinely loved others. That was His goal.
Leading is done by serving. You cannot lead until you learn to follow. You also cannot forget how to follow once you start leading. It's very easy to get prideful and decide that you know how to lead better than anyone else. Even if you are a leader, or in charge of something, it's important to remember that you are still a follower. A follower of Christ.
Love is the goal. We need to love Christ, others, and then ourselves. When leading a team of any kind whether it's sports, worship, small group, or in a job; leadership is done by example and encouragement. Learn to love those you work with and the rest will follow. Love, not just because you're commanded, but because Christ loves you. What right do you have to not love others?
I suppose leadership at one time meant muscles; but today it means getting along with people.
-Gandhi
But among you it will be different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant
-Matthew 20:26
Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God
-1 John 4:7
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
#EndBullying
It is uncertain, but it is estimated that 25% of all suicide cases were caused by some form of bullying. Bullying can range from blatant name calling and physical abuse to simple just leaving someone out. The phrase "sticks and stones my break my bones but words can never hurt me" is one of the most untrue statements I've ever heard. True, they don't cause physical damage. But the mental and emotional scars they create can be deadly in the long run. To a kid who has no friends and feels isolated by his family, picking him last for a game of soccer in gym class can ruin him. The feeling of not being wanted can turn into long-lasting problems for other relationships.
Bullying isn't just done to or by kids either. It's easy to bully coworkers. Talking behind their backs and cutting them down can wear down their striving to succeed. When we make cutting remarks, even in a joking tone and light-hearted manner, it still resonates with some truth with the victim. It is easy to hate people. But the sad fact is, is that, those people we hate probably also hate themselves. It is difficult to have a healthy high view of your self when the people around you cut you down every time you pick yourself up.
Bullying isn't done just by kids to kids or by adults to adults. So many times a day I hear students tear down teachers and deny their authority. This level of disrespect is bullying. If an adult is given authority, then they obviously deserve it even though the people below them might not agree. However, this gives adults no reason to talk down to kids. Abusive parents, ignorant teachers, and other adults have great influence in the lives of children and don't realize it most of the time. The things they do and say stick with them forever. They help shape how those kids view life and how they want to shape theirs.
Yes, I have been a victim of bullying. Had I not had the support of my family and faith in Christ, my life probably would have been different. Or nonexistent by now. My religion was made fun of, my looks were criticized, my family was insulted, and no one reached out. I'm not writing this to tell my story. It's irrelevant to the greater picture.
My point is this: bullying needs to stop. I'm tired of seeing my students bullied, my brother torn down, and my parents' authority undermined. I'm tired of the media shoving images and expectations into our heads that are ridiculous and just plain unnecessary. I'm tired of hearing stories and seeing videos posted about kids who want to take their lives because they are tired of dealing with it. How absolutely wonderful would the world be if everyone stopped making fun, abusing, and insulting one another? What would happen if people stood up for others? What would happen if instead of insulting each other, people actually started encouraging? How great would that be? How unattainable is that? It's not impossible at all. I'm not saying that I'm perfect and don't bully. I know I do. I'm human. But that doesn't mean I can't make it my goal to make a change for the better. So, that's what I'm going to do and I challenge whoever reads this to do the same.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
-Ephesians 5:22-23
But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love.
-2 Peter 1:5-7
Bullying isn't just done to or by kids either. It's easy to bully coworkers. Talking behind their backs and cutting them down can wear down their striving to succeed. When we make cutting remarks, even in a joking tone and light-hearted manner, it still resonates with some truth with the victim. It is easy to hate people. But the sad fact is, is that, those people we hate probably also hate themselves. It is difficult to have a healthy high view of your self when the people around you cut you down every time you pick yourself up.
Bullying isn't done just by kids to kids or by adults to adults. So many times a day I hear students tear down teachers and deny their authority. This level of disrespect is bullying. If an adult is given authority, then they obviously deserve it even though the people below them might not agree. However, this gives adults no reason to talk down to kids. Abusive parents, ignorant teachers, and other adults have great influence in the lives of children and don't realize it most of the time. The things they do and say stick with them forever. They help shape how those kids view life and how they want to shape theirs.
Yes, I have been a victim of bullying. Had I not had the support of my family and faith in Christ, my life probably would have been different. Or nonexistent by now. My religion was made fun of, my looks were criticized, my family was insulted, and no one reached out. I'm not writing this to tell my story. It's irrelevant to the greater picture.
My point is this: bullying needs to stop. I'm tired of seeing my students bullied, my brother torn down, and my parents' authority undermined. I'm tired of the media shoving images and expectations into our heads that are ridiculous and just plain unnecessary. I'm tired of hearing stories and seeing videos posted about kids who want to take their lives because they are tired of dealing with it. How absolutely wonderful would the world be if everyone stopped making fun, abusing, and insulting one another? What would happen if people stood up for others? What would happen if instead of insulting each other, people actually started encouraging? How great would that be? How unattainable is that? It's not impossible at all. I'm not saying that I'm perfect and don't bully. I know I do. I'm human. But that doesn't mean I can't make it my goal to make a change for the better. So, that's what I'm going to do and I challenge whoever reads this to do the same.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
-Ephesians 5:22-23
But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love.
-2 Peter 1:5-7
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Confessions of a Broken-Hearted College Girl
I haven't written in a few months mainly because I haven't really had much to say besides complaining about random stuff. It's hard to be positive, you know? All this terrible stuff happens around us and it is extremely difficult to remain positive. With all the things going wrong in our world it is mighty hard to see where God is going with all this.
About a week ago we had a Night Of Worship at my church. It was spectacular. There was a point in the service where we were instructed to go to one of the flags hanging from the ceiling and pray for that country. I chose Guatemala because, as you know, I have a strong burden for Latin America. It just broke my heart as I thought of all those children with no homes, those people with no homes, those broken marriages, those abusive marriages, and all the disease and hunger that goes with it all. It made me think of the line "break my heart for what breaks Yours," from the song Hosanna by Hillsong. And it struck me, for what I think was the first time, that God chose for these people to live like this. He formed them for this purpose. I think I knew this all along, but never fully realized what this meant. Either that or I refused to admit that my God would do such a thing.
But God chose for those children to live alone and suffer through life. He chose for those people to die of disease and malnutrition. He chose for those countries to go through brutal and horrible wars. It breaks my heart and makes me sick.
Time after time I'm confronted with the question of,
"If your God is so powerful, why can't He fix the world?"
or,
"If your God is so loving, why did He make all this crap?"
And my answer is always the same. God has a plan and though it's hard to see it, it's there and He will win in the end. And on that Night of Worship last Saturday, I found myself wrestling with this question.
Why on earth would a loving God treat His creation this way?
I want to help these people so badly, why doesn't God?
And that breaks my heart just as much as the circumstances of the world do. I'm still not satisfied with the answer that God is in control. I still don't have a solid rebuttal for when I'm asked those questions. I still haven't ironed out the kinks in that part of my theology,
but I know this:
My God loves me.
My God loves you.
My God loves everyone individually and communally at the same time.
He loves me most.
He loves you most.
God is capable of such love.
And the best part? This love will never change. It will never fail. It will never leave you and nothing you do can separate you from it. This is why I believe that God has a plan for all the nastiness in our world. He loves it so much that He has created such an intricate plan so that there's no way we can see the outcome. This way, there's no way we could even attempt to change it. God wins in the end, no doubt about that. But the journey to get there is rocky and dangerous. It's through that time where we need to look to God most and follow Him. It's during the tough times that we need to take a look at the world and look for His sovereignty. The situation that we are in breaks my heart. I don't have all the answers. I don't claim to have all the answers. But God loves us. He will change this world in ways you can't even imagine.
About a week ago we had a Night Of Worship at my church. It was spectacular. There was a point in the service where we were instructed to go to one of the flags hanging from the ceiling and pray for that country. I chose Guatemala because, as you know, I have a strong burden for Latin America. It just broke my heart as I thought of all those children with no homes, those people with no homes, those broken marriages, those abusive marriages, and all the disease and hunger that goes with it all. It made me think of the line "break my heart for what breaks Yours," from the song Hosanna by Hillsong. And it struck me, for what I think was the first time, that God chose for these people to live like this. He formed them for this purpose. I think I knew this all along, but never fully realized what this meant. Either that or I refused to admit that my God would do such a thing.
But God chose for those children to live alone and suffer through life. He chose for those people to die of disease and malnutrition. He chose for those countries to go through brutal and horrible wars. It breaks my heart and makes me sick.
Time after time I'm confronted with the question of,
"If your God is so powerful, why can't He fix the world?"
or,
"If your God is so loving, why did He make all this crap?"
And my answer is always the same. God has a plan and though it's hard to see it, it's there and He will win in the end. And on that Night of Worship last Saturday, I found myself wrestling with this question.
Why on earth would a loving God treat His creation this way?
I want to help these people so badly, why doesn't God?
And that breaks my heart just as much as the circumstances of the world do. I'm still not satisfied with the answer that God is in control. I still don't have a solid rebuttal for when I'm asked those questions. I still haven't ironed out the kinks in that part of my theology,
but I know this:
My God loves me.
My God loves you.
My God loves everyone individually and communally at the same time.
He loves me most.
He loves you most.
God is capable of such love.
And the best part? This love will never change. It will never fail. It will never leave you and nothing you do can separate you from it. This is why I believe that God has a plan for all the nastiness in our world. He loves it so much that He has created such an intricate plan so that there's no way we can see the outcome. This way, there's no way we could even attempt to change it. God wins in the end, no doubt about that. But the journey to get there is rocky and dangerous. It's through that time where we need to look to God most and follow Him. It's during the tough times that we need to take a look at the world and look for His sovereignty. The situation that we are in breaks my heart. I don't have all the answers. I don't claim to have all the answers. But God loves us. He will change this world in ways you can't even imagine.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Waiting, Waiting, Waiting.
Do you ever feel like you're just constantly waiting for something to happen or something to be over? Well, It crossed my mind the other day that that is all that I do. I'm busy, that's a fact. I work, teach, I'm a youth leader, worship leader, I write songs, and in a couple months I'll be in school again. But more often than not I catch myself thinking, "ok, get through this week. Then things will be easier. ok, graduate and things will get easier. ok, find a boyfriend and things will get easier." I'm just constantly waiting for the "now" to be over so I can get to the future. I'm impatient. I want to control my life, but it seems as though that's impossible unless I also control the space-time continuum.
I don't want to do that anymore. I want to see each day as a gift. I want everything I do to count for NOW instead of thinking what it will effect for the future. I want to make an impact, and I can't do that unless I stop waiting for things. I've gotta man-up and do what I've gotta do. It's life. It happens. I need to stop being lazy.
That's all I've to say; just something that was on my mind.
I don't want to do that anymore. I want to see each day as a gift. I want everything I do to count for NOW instead of thinking what it will effect for the future. I want to make an impact, and I can't do that unless I stop waiting for things. I've gotta man-up and do what I've gotta do. It's life. It happens. I need to stop being lazy.
That's all I've to say; just something that was on my mind.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Vacation Bible School for Adults
Is there anything in the title "Vacation Bible School" that says anything about it only being for little kids? Absolutely not. This past week we did VBS at church and I lead the song time. Not only did I get to reach kids through what I know best, but as I was on stage I got to see them all worshiping; that is the part that I loved most. Yes, singing is cool, playing guitar is fun and all that good stuff, but actually seeing all 46 kids dancing and worshiping their Savior was breathtaking.
VBS is not only for kids. The youth group kids were the crew leaders. They took small groups of kids to each station and talked to them and got to know them. VBS is for teens. They got to see that these kids have the faith of a child (duh) and how easy it can be for them to have that too. It was so cool to see how the connected and were able to teach them about Christ and how to be able to get to heaven. It was awesome.
VBS is not only for kids and teens. I know that my patience was tested with some of the little rascals. I am not good with kids, nor have I ever been. This is intensified when I have not slept for a few days. I'm not a happy camper for a good chunk of the time. But God used me, and gave me strength to handle problems without biting anyone's head off. I feel that as the kids grew in knowledge and the teens grew in faith, I also grew in patience and understanding.
VBS is for anyone. If your church does VBS, get involved. If they don't, see about maybe starting one up. It's one of the most rewarding experiences because you are instrumental in the salvation of so many children.
That is all I have to say.
VBS is not only for kids. The youth group kids were the crew leaders. They took small groups of kids to each station and talked to them and got to know them. VBS is for teens. They got to see that these kids have the faith of a child (duh) and how easy it can be for them to have that too. It was so cool to see how the connected and were able to teach them about Christ and how to be able to get to heaven. It was awesome.
VBS is not only for kids and teens. I know that my patience was tested with some of the little rascals. I am not good with kids, nor have I ever been. This is intensified when I have not slept for a few days. I'm not a happy camper for a good chunk of the time. But God used me, and gave me strength to handle problems without biting anyone's head off. I feel that as the kids grew in knowledge and the teens grew in faith, I also grew in patience and understanding.
VBS is for anyone. If your church does VBS, get involved. If they don't, see about maybe starting one up. It's one of the most rewarding experiences because you are instrumental in the salvation of so many children.
That is all I have to say.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Slow down everyone, you're moving too fast...
Sometimes I wish I could cut down on all the stuff I do. I love being a youth leader and teacher. It combines my passion for teaching with helping people. I love leading worship. Music is my medium and God is my life, so I love putting them together. I love my new job. I get to meet new and exciting people and share their life stories. I love every role I have in life. I'm just... overwhelmed.
I have been on summer break for about a month. And when I drove out of the parking lot on the last day of school all that went through my head was "*sigh* now life can slow down and I'll be able to breathe." No such luck. I haven't written a song in over a month. I haven't played my guitar just for fun until yesterday. I haven't caught up with old friends like I thought I would be able to do. And as much as it kills me to say it, I haven't grown closer to God. I've actually grown farther away from Him. And even though time isn't the main component to that, it certainly plays a role.
I think humans have this need to be constantly moving. Like, if we don't move enough or fast enough we might miss out on something. Like, life is too short to slow down and enjoy anything. I agree wholeheartedly that life is indeed short. But sometimes it's for that very reason that we should slow down and watch life. I don't remember the last time I just looked at the stars. Ok, that's kind of impossible in the city. How about this: I don't remember the last time I watched the sun set. That is possible in the city. It doesn't require any sort of energy besides marveling at God's creation. I want to do that. I want to be able to just stop. Stop and see God at work in jut how He paints the sky for me.
So, that's my random thought. I haven't written for a while and I just really wanted to share my thoughts on this. Try to slow down, or even stop sometime in the next few days, look at God, and be like, "God, You are amazing. Thanks for being You." And then go about your busy day. It takes the edge of more than you'd think.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Fighting and Losing
Have you ever thought about when you fight for something, you are losing something in the midst of it? You can fight for something you think you want with your whole heart but lose so much along the way. So no matter what, even if you "win" the fight, you "lose." If you fight for a country, you lose your freedom to do what you want when you want. You might lose your family for a while. You might lose your life. If you fight for a friend you could lose many others along the way. If you fight for love you are losing yourself and seeking another person. In no way am I saying we shouldn't strive and fight to fulfill the desires in our hearts. They can be good sometimes. But it's also good to stop and think, what am I doing? Is fighting worth what I'm fighting for? Will I regret this? What could the outcome possibly be? You can fight for the life God wants you to have, but you lose your old self, which is good. But it can seem like such a burden at the time. Just something to think about that I've been rolling around in my head for a while.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
My Worship.
Well, now that I'm done with the God, You Are challenge I made for myself, what on earth could I blog about? Is there anything worth so much to me that I'd want to share my thoughts with the world? OH YEAH! Worship! So, here's the story of me and my worship experience.
I started play guitar when I was 15. Three months later, I was singing and playing on my own. A few more months after that, I was leading worship for the youth group at the church we were currently attending. Needless to say, I learned fast, I was good, and I knew it.
Now, this is where it all goes downhill. Between learning guitar and getting that ego boost, getting a job and having my own money, and getting a MySpace to tell the world how cool I was... I started to really fall away from God. I was depending on myself and creating bad habits that I never would have thought I'd do. I had stopped caring for my family, I had made new (no so great) friends, I stopped skating, school became less important... it goes on and on.
I loved life. I thought that I had been a naive little child before, and now I was growing up. I could handle life on my own. Too bad that's not true. God decided to put me in my place.
A couple months after I started doing worship for the youth group, my family decided to leave the church. There were some bad things going on and it made a lot of sense. BUT... I was not ok with this. This meant leaving friends, facing change, and worse yet: leaving my place in the spot light as a worship leader.
We church hopped, stayed at a few for a little, I occasionally lead the awkward worship service in the youth groups. No one knew who I was. It was just like, ok, we have our own worship leader. What's this little girl doing up there leading me? It was awkward.
Then the unthinkable happened. We ended back up at our old church, to give it another try since we couldn't fit anywhere else. They asked me to lead for the youth group again since they didn't have anyone, and I was on cloud 9. It was like I was back in MY place. On stage. Cuing the drummer. Smiling at everyone. It was great. I loved the rush, I loved the attention, and I loved the applause. Life was good again.
Well, obviously, that didn't work out so hot. We left, and I was back to square one. To make a long story short we ended up, after hopping around a bit more, at the church we're at currently. I love this church. I love the people. I love the youth group I help in and lead for. I love everything about it. And the fact that I get to lead others in worshipping God is amazing. But when we first started going, I hated it. People weren't talking to us, we weren't connecting, I wasn't leading worship... I just was not happy. I started leading every once in a while, and then every week. And it's sad because my heart wasn't in the right place. I loved the people and the music much much more than I loved worshipping God.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the kids. And I'm the BIGGEST music nerd ever. But those are nothing if I don't have a strong love for God. When I lead in worship, I am to worship God in my heart. And I realized that I didn't truly love God. I loved worship. There's a difference.
Pride is a hard issue to overcome. It's hard to have someone tell you that you're great, and not have it go to your head. It also only takes one person telling you that you suck before you want to leave it all behind.
There's a balance that is extremely hard to find, and I'm still working on it. I'll continue to work on it until I die. And that balance is being able to lead others and direct them, but still deal with your own issues and personal stuff. I feel hypocritical a lot when I lead. I feel like I shouldn't be bringing others into God's presence if I messed up the week before. This can't be true, because then I wouldn't ever be able to lead. No one can not sin for an entire week. We are human. It's something to think about and wrestle with.
So the past four-ish years have been difficult for both me and the people around me. For me, because they were hurtful. I didn't understand why God would do this because I had been 'serving' Him faithfully as a worship leader. For the people around me, because they had to deal with nasty egotistical Ashley. I have no doubt in my mind that God wants me to be a worship leader. That I am sure of. However, I am growing and I am learning how to not take His plan for granted and use it for my own gain. Everything I do is for His glory. Everything I want should be for God. Worship is love. But we have to make sure we love what we're worshipping. Do you love God, or do you just love worship?
I started play guitar when I was 15. Three months later, I was singing and playing on my own. A few more months after that, I was leading worship for the youth group at the church we were currently attending. Needless to say, I learned fast, I was good, and I knew it.
Now, this is where it all goes downhill. Between learning guitar and getting that ego boost, getting a job and having my own money, and getting a MySpace to tell the world how cool I was... I started to really fall away from God. I was depending on myself and creating bad habits that I never would have thought I'd do. I had stopped caring for my family, I had made new (no so great) friends, I stopped skating, school became less important... it goes on and on.
I loved life. I thought that I had been a naive little child before, and now I was growing up. I could handle life on my own. Too bad that's not true. God decided to put me in my place.
A couple months after I started doing worship for the youth group, my family decided to leave the church. There were some bad things going on and it made a lot of sense. BUT... I was not ok with this. This meant leaving friends, facing change, and worse yet: leaving my place in the spot light as a worship leader.
We church hopped, stayed at a few for a little, I occasionally lead the awkward worship service in the youth groups. No one knew who I was. It was just like, ok, we have our own worship leader. What's this little girl doing up there leading me? It was awkward.
Then the unthinkable happened. We ended back up at our old church, to give it another try since we couldn't fit anywhere else. They asked me to lead for the youth group again since they didn't have anyone, and I was on cloud 9. It was like I was back in MY place. On stage. Cuing the drummer. Smiling at everyone. It was great. I loved the rush, I loved the attention, and I loved the applause. Life was good again.
Well, obviously, that didn't work out so hot. We left, and I was back to square one. To make a long story short we ended up, after hopping around a bit more, at the church we're at currently. I love this church. I love the people. I love the youth group I help in and lead for. I love everything about it. And the fact that I get to lead others in worshipping God is amazing. But when we first started going, I hated it. People weren't talking to us, we weren't connecting, I wasn't leading worship... I just was not happy. I started leading every once in a while, and then every week. And it's sad because my heart wasn't in the right place. I loved the people and the music much much more than I loved worshipping God.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the kids. And I'm the BIGGEST music nerd ever. But those are nothing if I don't have a strong love for God. When I lead in worship, I am to worship God in my heart. And I realized that I didn't truly love God. I loved worship. There's a difference.
Pride is a hard issue to overcome. It's hard to have someone tell you that you're great, and not have it go to your head. It also only takes one person telling you that you suck before you want to leave it all behind.
There's a balance that is extremely hard to find, and I'm still working on it. I'll continue to work on it until I die. And that balance is being able to lead others and direct them, but still deal with your own issues and personal stuff. I feel hypocritical a lot when I lead. I feel like I shouldn't be bringing others into God's presence if I messed up the week before. This can't be true, because then I wouldn't ever be able to lead. No one can not sin for an entire week. We are human. It's something to think about and wrestle with.
So the past four-ish years have been difficult for both me and the people around me. For me, because they were hurtful. I didn't understand why God would do this because I had been 'serving' Him faithfully as a worship leader. For the people around me, because they had to deal with nasty egotistical Ashley. I have no doubt in my mind that God wants me to be a worship leader. That I am sure of. However, I am growing and I am learning how to not take His plan for granted and use it for my own gain. Everything I do is for His glory. Everything I want should be for God. Worship is love. But we have to make sure we love what we're worshipping. Do you love God, or do you just love worship?
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
God, You are... Zealous.
Zealous: "ardently active, devoted,or diligent."
God is active in the world and always has been. He is devoted to His creation including us. He is diligent in making everything work for His glory. The Bible tells us to be like Christ, which means e like God. Because they are the same. Using this word, I am supposed to have zeal in everything that I do. Apathy is not the answer.
God is active in the world and always has been. He is devoted to His creation including us. He is diligent in making everything work for His glory. The Bible tells us to be like Christ, which means e like God. Because they are the same. Using this word, I am supposed to have zeal in everything that I do. Apathy is not the answer.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)