Lately I have really been struggling with the feelings of inadequacy and mediocrity. I have it set in my head that no matter how hard I try, I can never be good enough at anything I do. This is to some extend good, because I will always be trying and trying and never giving up. But, on the other hand, I get so bent out of shape when I feel threatened that something will be taken from me. I am a worship leader, or I try to be. I feel that is God's calling for my life. But I get so intimidated at the littlest things. If someone comes to youth group and I find out that they play guitar or sing, I immediately question my ability. I know God gave me a talent and passion for music, but I am so scared of the judgment of others, but only in this area of my life. It's almost as if even though I don't really know them, I am jealous of how they play even though I haven't even heard them. I'm sick of it. I know I am inadequate in my sinful nature and since I have fallen short of the glory of God. But, it is becoming an obstacle. I don't know how to change.
Also, you know how you think God wants you to do something, and you decide to do it, and then it completely doesn't happen? That's something else that has happened. And it's the final straw that really makes me question what God is wanting for my life. I have tried to do so many things and all of them fall through.
Am I really supposed to be a worship leader?
Why did God give me passion for this if I'm not going to do anything with it?
Did He really want me to go to Faith?
Am I supposed to be a missionary?
which ultimately leads me to....
God, do You really even exist?
Obviously the answer to all of these is yes. But Satan has gotten inside my head and completely messed everything up. No longer am I a child of God seeking His will for my life. Now I am a human being trying to make the best out of the little I have. Those are the thoughts being crammed into my head and almost literally driving me crazy. Some days I just want to rock star smash all of my guitars and shred up all my music. Because after all, I don't believe God wants me to use either one of those things for Him. I just don't know what to do. I'm in a bad place right now, and it's sad. God has changed all my plans, probably so I can focus on Him and getting right with Him. I have been trying to teach others to worship but I myself have not been seeking the face of God and really trying to worship Him myself.
And here's another thing that has been 'haunting' me for a while. Until just a few weeks ago, I convinced that God didn't have anyone for me. I was completely against the idea of marriage. I thought, every man I have ever met has disappointed me at one point and I don't think I can deal with that for the rest of my life. But that has changed. I actually WANT a husband at some point. And I KNOW that God has someone for me. It's like, I haven't ever been chosen. I'm just put into peoples' lives and while I know they love me, they didn't necessarily choose me. My parents didn't choose me, my friends didn't really choose me... but I want to be chosen. I know God has a guy out there that will choose me for me and choose me out of EVERY other girl in the world to spend his life with. I know it won't happen soon, but the thought of making that sort of commitment and putting that much trust into a person freaks me out. I don't trust people. At all. But I know that if I do pursue this kind of relationship I'll have to trust. It scares me.
So, yeah.
There's my life.
