My Worship.

Well, now that I'm done with the God, You Are challenge I made for myself, what on earth could I blog about? Is there anything worth so much to me that I'd want to share my thoughts with the world? OH YEAH! Worship! So, here's the story of me and my worship experience.

I started play guitar when I was 15. Three months later, I was singing and playing on my own. A few more months after that, I was leading worship for the youth group at the church we were currently attending. Needless to say, I learned fast, I was good, and I knew it.
Now, this is where it all goes downhill. Between learning guitar and getting that ego boost, getting a job and having my own money, and getting a MySpace to tell the world how cool I was... I started to really fall away from God. I was depending on myself and creating bad habits that I never would have thought I'd do. I had stopped caring for my family, I had made new (no so great) friends, I stopped skating, school became less important... it goes on and on.
I loved life. I thought that I had been a naive little child before, and now I was growing up. I could handle life on my own. Too bad that's not true. God decided to put me in my place.
A couple months after I started doing worship for the youth group, my family decided to leave the church. There were some bad things going on and it made a lot of sense. BUT... I was not ok with this. This meant leaving friends, facing change, and worse yet: leaving my place in the spot light as a worship leader.
We church hopped, stayed at a few for a little, I occasionally lead the awkward worship service in the youth groups. No one knew who I was. It was just like, ok, we have our own worship leader. What's this little girl doing up there leading me? It was awkward.
Then the unthinkable happened. We ended back up at our old church, to give it another try since we couldn't fit anywhere else. They asked me to lead for the youth group again since they didn't have anyone, and I was on cloud 9. It was like I was back in MY place. On stage. Cuing the drummer. Smiling at everyone. It was great. I loved the rush, I loved the attention, and I loved the applause. Life was good again.
Well, obviously, that didn't work out so hot. We left, and I was back to square one. To make a long story short we ended up, after hopping around a bit more, at the church we're at currently. I love this church. I love the people. I love the youth group I help in and lead for. I love everything about it. And the fact that I get to lead others in worshipping God is amazing. But when we first started going, I hated it. People weren't talking to us, we weren't connecting, I wasn't leading worship... I just was not happy. I started leading every once in a while, and then every week. And it's sad because my heart wasn't in the right place. I loved the people and the music much much more than I loved worshipping God.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the kids. And I'm the BIGGEST music nerd ever. But those are nothing if I don't have a strong love for God. When I lead in worship, I am to worship God in my heart. And I realized that I didn't truly love God. I loved worship. There's a difference.
Pride is a hard issue to overcome. It's hard to have someone tell you that you're great, and not have it go to your head. It also only takes one person telling you that you suck before you want to leave it all behind.
There's a balance that is extremely hard to find, and I'm still working on it. I'll continue to work on it until I die. And that balance is being able to lead others and direct them, but still deal with your own issues and personal stuff. I feel hypocritical a lot when I lead. I feel like I shouldn't be bringing others into God's presence if I messed up the week before. This can't be true, because then I wouldn't ever be able to lead. No one can not sin for an entire week. We are human. It's something to think about and wrestle with.
So the past four-ish years have been difficult for both me and the people around me. For me, because they were hurtful. I didn't understand why God would do this because I had been 'serving' Him faithfully as a worship leader. For the people around me, because they had to deal with nasty egotistical Ashley. I have no doubt in my mind that God wants me to be a worship leader. That I am sure of. However, I am growing and I am learning how to not take His plan for granted and use it for my own gain. Everything I do is for His glory. Everything I want should be for God. Worship is love. But we have to make sure we love what we're worshipping. Do you love God, or do you just love worship?